sigh. crying is exhausting. but at leastt i have 9 hours of tech rehearsal to cheer me up!
i just want to die right now.
anxiety is horrible
add depression and your brain plays tug of war and you can’t do anything
sometimes i just feel like i’m inadequite for friends…like everyone is so amazing and im just here like “mehh”
what i experienced when i was a child:
i didn’t really think it affected me now persay…but its quite frightening…
two of my(now “brothers”) would hang out with me all th time when i was a child, the one more my age was good to steer clear of me (although i did get sent rings for three years up until the third grade).
but his brother was different. he’s like family to me now, but then wasn’t the case. I was only 4 when it started…i started to get cornered by him, he would make innapropriate jokes around me(he was 8) and one time, i literally had to bolt up my room when i was changing.
one time i had literally had finished changing from my shower and was reading a book when he got on top of me and tried kissing me, squishing me.
I was young, so i didn’t know how to react to such treatment but all i knew was that i didn’t like it. he tried to make a few moves on me but i wouldn’t let him.
his brother came in very soon and wrestled him off of me.
i told my mum and i didn’t interact with him for YEARS.
only his brother, who is one of my best friends.
so yeah…i’m glad i got that off my chest
i just recently realized how toxic one friendship was and how grateful i am that i am not close with that person anymore.
i had just been diagnosed with depression and it brought up my anxiety as well.
and this person just told me to suck it up.
they said i was ‘moping around for no reason’ and that ‘i just wanted attention, although i got enough of it’
i hate attention on me…seriously, i do.
i’m still suffering from these but at least i have friends who at least try to (or do) understand what i feel and i love them for that
being this upset and angry is seriously not helpful for doing this project
i hate periods…you feel emotions for no reasooonnnnnn
you may get compliments, but will it raise your grade, or increase your academic skills? nah, not really.
and people wonder why i feel dumb
Of my mind.
Of my past.
Of my friends.
Of my passion.
Of my fears.
Of my life.
Of the world.
To keep trying is hard
But to continue
Is to be successful.
How is it possible?
How is it done?
Why can’t I focus?
I feel like nothing
I feel like everything.
I have no confidence.
I am an egotistical jerk.
I am too fat.
I want to eat.
I want to lose weight.
The only thing fear has done for me.
Is to stop me from harm.
Mental images to drive the brain insane.
Blood all over.
All this pain in the world.
Wrapped up in me.
Nerves, concern, pain, hurt, laziness, insecurity.
How can I be secure?
I am happy
I get good grades.
I am an artist
I am an actress
I am a leader
I am a director
I am smart
I am a good person
I care for others
I am brilliant
I am adorable
What is there to worry about?
That’s the thing.
Isn’t enough of it to be those things.
So my mind creates nothing.
Produces anything but something.
Wrapped in a world of shadow.
Creating its own reality.
The caution of daydreaming and imagination.
None is as good as it seems.
Keeps me breathing though.
I really want to have a passion.
I try and I try. So hard.
Those rare moments I cling to and hold on to.
I keep them in my memory.
Though my brain keeps it cloaked in a blanket.
Going through the motions.
Trying to get by.
My passion fades.
I want to accept the compliment.
Self says no.
I want to feel good.
Self says no.
It only feels good to do nothing.
Nothing is numbing.
Feelings are easily accessible.
Yet most not even accessible.
My brain keeps saying no.
yet no one seems to notice a thing